Hello Monday :)

Command start for my car has been postponed.  I have to talk to Rory, and see if he can give me more info.

From what I understand now, there's a lot of modules which will require installation given that I have power windows, power door locks, etc.  All these modules will increase the cost of the unit, so now I'm not too sure.

I had a decent weekend at the bar, about $100 total tips, which was nice to be able to put into my bank account.

I'm getting an amazing Christmas present from my oma.  Once I get it, I'll post a picture.  I'm excited though.

Today's OK

I'm an hour away from being done my day at work.  I've gotten a bit accomplished today, tomorrow is mostly meetings, and I'm going for a massage after work.

I'm pretty sure I'll be putting my next bar paycheque towards command start for my car.  I'm tired of having to go outside in the morning twice to make sure my car is warm and ready, and I won't be letting it run for as long either with the remote start.

Less than a week from now my mom will be here for a visit.  I need to do a bit more housework to be ready for her to get here, but I'm so excited that she's coming.

So it looks like...

I won't be able to make it home in January.  From the sound of things, the office will be closed from December 24-28, meaning that I can't work all the stat days and take them later.

I'm not thrilled.  Not at all.  Still going to check with the manager though to see if something can be arranged.  I sincerely hope so.

Having a hard day

So I found out on Sunday that my Opa's youngest brother, my Oom Tinus, passed away earlier that day.  He lived in Holland, so it was evening for him when he passed.  I'd met Oom Tinus once, and really enjoyed him.  He didn't speak English well at all, but between my broken Dutch and his broken English, we understood each other well enough.  He died of a heart attack, was still involved with his family farm, and had actually just come in from the barn when he passed.  I pray he finds peace in heaven.

This has been very hard on my Opa.  Oom Tinus was the last of his brothers to pass, and now he's the only Poelman boy left.  He's also  lost some of his good friends, people that he got along with, and felt like he was similar to in various ways.  He's feeling very alone.  He hasn't had a great last few months healthwise himself either, taking a fall and breaking his wrist and damaging his hip just a few months ago.  Opa has talked for a few years about how 'this Christmas could very well be his last', and generally I tell him no way, he's gonna be around for a long time.

It feels different this year.  I feel as though I actually have to try and prepare myself for the possibility that it might really be his last Christmas.  I also have to come to terms with the fact that I've decided not to travel home for Christmas this year, due to it being difficult to get time off, and the fact that I'm in debt and can't afford to go, especially given that I've waited to book a flight, and the prices are too high at this point in time.  I'm hoping I can go in January, but I'm terrified that it might be too late.

I don't like to think about life without him here.  I gripe occasionally about the phone calls, as he does call me a lot, and often on weekend mornings before I'm actually ready to get up, he doesn't often have much to say, but just wants to talk.  I don't want to think about a day though, when those phone calls aren't there anymore, when I'm not being woken up on Saturday morning and told it's way to late to be lying in bed.

I don't even know why I decided it was so important for me to stay in Alberta this Christmas.  I guess it was some kind of push for independance.  I like being an adult, and being able to make my own choices, and live my own life.  At the same time, I feel as though there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be back in the arms of a loving family, a family that's supported me through some pretty dark times.

I've thought a lot lately about moving back to the Island, or even to the Vancouver area.  It definitely holds a lot of appeal.  A move like that would be entirely dependent on finding a job out there.  I don't want to leave the company I'm with, so a transfer would be necessary.  The transfer would be to Nanaimo or Richmond.  I'm keeping my eye open for postings, and hoping for the best.

I feel like I had so much going for me out here for a while, but it's lost it's appeal.  Family is where it's at, and I've pushed them away for so long.  I don't see a move happening right away, but it's on the horizon.  It feels good for me to acknowledge where my home is, and to want to go back.

Naked Snuggles on a Bearskin Rug under a Warm Wool Blanket in front of a Crackling Fire

Would be nice, right about now.

Also would be much warmer than where I'm currently sitting.

Monday Morning

This morning came way too early.  All week I'll be starting work at 6:00 am.  Both the driver supervisor and driver trainer are in Montreal for training (when is it going to be my turn to go to Montreal?), so I'm chairing the driver's safety meetings.

That means getting up at 5:00, showering, bundling up, going outside to start my car, getting dressed in work clothes, makeup, make lunch, and then head out the door at 5:45 am.  I do this all week.

Then on Friday, I work 6:00 am - 3:00 pm at the office, and 6:00 pm - 3:00 am at the bar.  Wish me luck, that day's going to be a killer.

I need a nap just thinking about it.

Three Thoughts

1. My interpretation of a good friend is someone who wants you in their life as much as you want them in yours.  If one of you feels differently, the friendship won't work.  That said, I've probably lost a friend.

2. It's really freaking cold out.  I'd like to purchase a GOOD pair of winter boots, the wannabe Uggs aren't cutting it in this weather.

3. Next week is going to suck.  I'm working 6am shifts all week.  Wish me luck.

I thought I'd try another ramble.

I haven't written for a while again.  Some stuff's gone down in my personal life, and I just haven't felt much drive to continue to write.

I'm back though, and going to give you a bit of a recap.

I started a new job on October 16th.  I'm working coatcheck, and occasionally (like one in six shifts) beertub at a bar.  So far it's been good, and has let me put some money where it needs to go.  It's not the most enjoyable job ever, but the people are great, and I can see myself being there for a while.

Just has essentially cut me out of her life.  I made a mistake that upset her.  I personally feel like she's overreacting, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to change her reaction. Things just feel distant and weird between us, and I'm beginning to wonder if working to maintain the friendship is worth my time.  It's not that I don't care, or that I didn't enjoy having her as a friend, but at the same time, the friendship was a lot of work and stress for me.  I worry most about how her young daughter is going to be affected by all that's gone on, and how her mother is handling (or failing to handle) any aspect of her life.

It's really hard for me to sit and listen and hear her talk about how unfair her husband is being, when I see his reaction as completely reasonable.  It's hard for me to hear her talk about what she's 'entitled' to when given what she's done, she's honestly entitled to support for her daughter, but not herself.  She says again and again that she knows she doesn't deserve anything, but the fact of the matter is she still feels entitled, and unjustifiably so.

I don't know how to be supportive and a good friend when I'm so fundamentally opposed to the actions she's taken and continues to take.  I guess I'll just wait and see where things go.

My younger brother was here for the last week.  He was laid off from his job at the autobody shop, and needed to find some good paying work quickly.  He came out here to look for a rig job, and thankfully it only took him a week to find something.  He left Edmonton at noon yesterday and went to a short job in Strathmore.  It was fun having him around.  He's way lower maintenance than my older brother, but we did a lot too.  Checked out Telus World of Science, went climbing, did some driving around, grocery shopping, WEM, and also hung out at home. He's easy to get along with, and I'm glad I got to see him here.