Having a hard day

So I found out on Sunday that my Opa's youngest brother, my Oom Tinus, passed away earlier that day.  He lived in Holland, so it was evening for him when he passed.  I'd met Oom Tinus once, and really enjoyed him.  He didn't speak English well at all, but between my broken Dutch and his broken English, we understood each other well enough.  He died of a heart attack, was still involved with his family farm, and had actually just come in from the barn when he passed.  I pray he finds peace in heaven.

This has been very hard on my Opa.  Oom Tinus was the last of his brothers to pass, and now he's the only Poelman boy left.  He's also  lost some of his good friends, people that he got along with, and felt like he was similar to in various ways.  He's feeling very alone.  He hasn't had a great last few months healthwise himself either, taking a fall and breaking his wrist and damaging his hip just a few months ago.  Opa has talked for a few years about how 'this Christmas could very well be his last', and generally I tell him no way, he's gonna be around for a long time.

It feels different this year.  I feel as though I actually have to try and prepare myself for the possibility that it might really be his last Christmas.  I also have to come to terms with the fact that I've decided not to travel home for Christmas this year, due to it being difficult to get time off, and the fact that I'm in debt and can't afford to go, especially given that I've waited to book a flight, and the prices are too high at this point in time.  I'm hoping I can go in January, but I'm terrified that it might be too late.

I don't like to think about life without him here.  I gripe occasionally about the phone calls, as he does call me a lot, and often on weekend mornings before I'm actually ready to get up, he doesn't often have much to say, but just wants to talk.  I don't want to think about a day though, when those phone calls aren't there anymore, when I'm not being woken up on Saturday morning and told it's way to late to be lying in bed.

I don't even know why I decided it was so important for me to stay in Alberta this Christmas.  I guess it was some kind of push for independance.  I like being an adult, and being able to make my own choices, and live my own life.  At the same time, I feel as though there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be back in the arms of a loving family, a family that's supported me through some pretty dark times.

I've thought a lot lately about moving back to the Island, or even to the Vancouver area.  It definitely holds a lot of appeal.  A move like that would be entirely dependent on finding a job out there.  I don't want to leave the company I'm with, so a transfer would be necessary.  The transfer would be to Nanaimo or Richmond.  I'm keeping my eye open for postings, and hoping for the best.

I feel like I had so much going for me out here for a while, but it's lost it's appeal.  Family is where it's at, and I've pushed them away for so long.  I don't see a move happening right away, but it's on the horizon.  It feels good for me to acknowledge where my home is, and to want to go back.